Parting shot
Tomorrow I'm performing in a benefit for ComedySportz New Orleans. I was reminded of the comments Kanye West made; "George Bush does not Care about Black people", and the comments made by Barbara Bush referenced in the post below. It got me to thinkin... I know that this would never make it to TV, and by the time it did, it'd be a dated reference, so here's a sketch I wrote about the whole situation.
Since this is posted to the public, I guess I should state that it's satire, but for anyone that needs this qualifier, get a GD sense of humor!
OPEN ON WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFING ROOM, PODIUM SHOT.
V/O: LADIES & GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, GEORGE W. BUSH.
BUSH TAKES PODIUM.
BUSH: MY FELLOW AMERICANS: IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT DURING A TELEVISED BENEFIT FOR HURRICANE KATRINA VICTIMS, THE DEGREE TO WHICH I CARE ABOUT AFRICAN-AMERICANS WAS CALLED INTO QUESTION. LET ME ASSURE ALL MY FELLOW AMERICANS OF AFRICAN HERITAGE THAT MYSELF AND MY WHOLE ADMINISTRATION DO CARE. WE CARE SO MUCH, THAT WE'VE CALLED THIS PRESS CONFERENCE TO SEND A SHOUT OUT TO ALL OUR (N-WORD)S!
CAMERA PANS BACK TO REVEAL LEATHER COUCHES. SEATED ON THEM ARE SEVERAL VISIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE MEMBERS OF BUSH'S CABINET. ALL ARE DRESSED IN TRACK SUITS AND THE LIKE. BUSH SHEDS HIS SUIT COAT AND PUTS A HUGE FUBU SWEATSHIRT ON OVER HIS SHIRT AND TIE. HE'S HANDED A PIMP CUP, AND PULLS ONE WIRELESS MIC FROM THE ONES ON THE PODIUM AND MAKES HIS WAY TO THE THRONE IN BETWEEN THE COUCHES.
BUSH: AWWW YEEEH. NOW I'D LIKE TO ADDRESS ONE SPECIFIC (N-WORD), MISTER KAYNE WEST. KAYNE, I DO CARE ABOUT THIS NATION'S (N-WORD)S. MORE THAN YOU KNOW. I BET YOUR MAMA KNOW HOW MUCH I CARE!
OTHERS (COVERING THEIR MOUTHS): OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!
MISCELLANEOUS AID: I THINK IT'S KAN-YE…
BUSH: DASS RIGHT. I CARE ABOUT YOU AND ALL YO HOODS. FROM 115TH STREET IN HARLEM. 'SPECT TO MY MAN SHORTY B AT SHORTY'S CHICKEN! TO THE CENTER OF FUCK ALL WATTS IN L.A.! WHERE THA PLAYAS STILL PLAY.
OTHERS: (HALF-ASSED) AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
BUSH: (GRABBING A CHICKEN LEG AND TAKING A TINY BITE) MISTER KAYNE WEST, I'VE BEEN TOLD YOU'RE A COLLEGE DROPOUT. WELL, THA BIG G, THAT'S ME, THE BIG G. THE G STANDS FOR GEORGE. IS HERE TO HELP YOU THE FUCK OUT. ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS GO DOWN TO YOUR FLY MILITARY RECRUITING OFFICE AND SIGN UP FOR A G.I. BILL-ZILL! HERE TO TALK ABOUT THIS IS MY MAIN MAN DONN E RUMS.
RUMSFELD IS DRESSED LIKE THE BISHOP DON "MAGIC" JUAN. HIS GLASSES ARE THE SAME, BUT HAVE RHINESTONES ON THEM. VISIBLY PISSED AS EVER, HE GETS UP AND BUSH WHIFFS A HIGH-FIVE AT HIM, AND THEY ATTEMPT THE BUMP-HUG. RUMSFELD GETS TO THE PODIUM.
RUMSFELD: MISTER PRESIDENT, I THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SAYING 'NIGGAS' NOT '(N-WORD)S'. EITHER WAY, I DON'T THINK WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SAYING IT ALL.
SHOT OF BUSH ATTEMPTING TO USE A SIDEKICK AND STILL HOLDING THE CHICKEN LEG, STEALING LOOKS AT THE CAMERA.
RUMSFELD FROWNS AT THE CAMERA: I'D JUST LIKE TO REMIND ALL MY… I'M NOT GOING TO READ THIS. IT'S… FINE!. …I'D JUST LIKE TO REMIND ALL MY HOMIES THAT YOU GO THE FLOOR WITH THE DANCE MOVES YOU HAVE, NOT THE MOVES YOU WISH YOU HAD. WO.. UH… WORD. SIGN UP FO MILITARY SERVICE TODAY, AND THE CASH MONEY WILL ROLL IN!
HE ROLLS HIS EYES AND LEAVES.
BUSH COMES BACK TO THE PODIUM WITH A HUGE BOOM BOX PLAYING THE 2 LIVE CREW.
BUSH: YEAH! HOO-WEE! I LOVE THIS 2 LIVE CREW! IT'S THA FRESSHESSSS!
AND WITH THAT, I'D LIKE TO BRING UP MY NUMBA ONE BITCH (N-WORD) CONDI-CON!
CONDOLEEZA RICE GETS UP DRESSED LIKE LIL' KIM, BLOND WIG AND ALL.
RICE: I THINK THE PRESIDENT MEANS BEEYOTCH NIGGA…
BUSH: SHUT YOUR FACE, BITCH (N-WORD), LEST YOU WANT MY 'ZECUTIVE BRANCH SHOVED IN THERE. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH! LIKE THE (N-WORD)S WITH ALTITUDE SAID, "DON'T MATTA, JUST DON'T CHEW IT!"
BUSH LOOKS FOR HIGH FIVES FROM OTHERS ON THE COUCH AND IS LEFT HANGING.
RICE: (CLEARS THROAT) UM, I AM PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THE PRESIDENT'S "PIMP MY SHELTER" INITIATIVE FOR THOSE OF YOU LIVING IN COMMUNAL "CRIBS" SINCE HURRICANE KATRINA. FIMA AGENTS WILL BE INSTALLING PLASMA TVS ON THE LARGEST WALL OF ANY COMMUNAL SHELTER. UM, SO LOOK FOR THAT.
CUT TO SHOT OF BUSH WITH MOBILE PHONE. THE PHONE BEEPS.
BUSH: CHENEY! CHAIN-GANG! WHERE YOU ARE AT?
RICE LOOKS AT CAMERA, GAGS AND LEAVES.
BUSH: NOW WITH EXECUTIVE SEAL HANGING AROUND HIS NECK LIKE FLAVOR FLAV'S CLOCK, AND BRANDISHING A GOLD GUN IN ONE HAND.
BUSH: YESSSSSS! BOY! IMA POP THE GAP IN YOUR ASS! YO! CHILL FOR A MINUTE DOUGLAS FRESH SAID SILENCE!
BUSH THEN CROSSES HIS ARMS IN A FAT BOYS POSE AND FREEZES.
BUSH: I REALIZE THAT SOME (N-WORD)'S GONNA HAVE TO TAKE THE HEAT FOR WHAT HAPPENED IN THE GULF COAST. SO WITHOUT FUTHER ADO, PLEASE BRING OUT FORMER FEMA DIRECTOR MICHAEL BROWN!
BROWN IS BROUGHT OUT IN LEG IRONS, VISIBLY UPSET. BUSH GETS RIGHT UP IN HIS FACE WITH THE GOLD GUN.
BUSH: JUST LIKE MY MAN ICED TEASE SAID IN LOJACK CITY, "I WANNA SHOOT YOU SO BAD IT MAKES MY DICK HURT!"
BUSH LOOKS AT CAMERA AND GRINS. BROWN FLINCHES.
BUSH: BUT DEF IS TOO GOOD FO THIS HONKAY! INSTEAD, I INTEND TO "WILDING OUT" ON YOU LIKE M-MAN RICK CANNON!
BUSH SWEEPS THE COUCHES FOR WEAK HIGH-FIVES, PUMPING HIS OTHER FIST IN THE AIR. HE DONS A NEW ORLEANS SAINTS CAP, COCKED OFF TO THE SIDE AND POINTS TO IT.
BUSH: THIS FO ALL YALL!
BUSH GETS IN BROWN'S FACE AGAIN.
BUSH: BROWNIE, YO MAMA SO FAT THAT SHE LOOK LIKE A BLOATED CORPSE FLOATING IN THE STREETS OF N. TO THA O. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
HE IS MET WITH SILENCE.
BROWN: MISTER PRESIDENT?
BUSH: ARE YOU TALKING TO ME, 'CAUSE I SEE YOU MOVIN' YO MOUF / YOU BETTA STOP TALKIN, YOU BETTA CUT IT OUF! OOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
SILENCE AGAIN.
BUSH KICKS BROWN IN THE STOMACH AND HE GOES DOWN. HE GRABS A SILVER TRAY COVERED IN CRYSTAL PIECES.
BUSH: NOW I POUR OUT SOME CRYSTAL FOR MY DEAD HOMIEZ IN NEW ORLEANS!
BUSH DUMPS TRAY ON BROWN. THE REST OF THE CABINET LEAVES.
BUSH: GET YOUR BITCH ASS OUTTA HERE! I'M THE HEAD N!GGER IN CHARGE!
I HOPE I HAVE SHOWED YOU ALL THAT I DON'T GO FOR ANY CRUNK. I CAN ASSURE YOU N!GGERS AND ALL MY FELLOW AMERICANS THAT I DO CARE ABOUT ALL OF YOU. YOU ALL MY BOYS. WE'RE SPENDING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS ON FEDERAL AID SO THAT Y'ALL BE LIVIN' LARGE LIKE M.C. HAMMER REAL SOON! IT'S MY PERROGATIVE, AND AL B. SURE IT HAPPENS! BE SURE TO CHECK MAH NEXXX PRESS CONFERENCE IN WHICH I'LL OUTLINE MY PLANS TO PIMP IRAQ! BIG G OUT!
CUT TO TEST PATTERN.
Since this is posted to the public, I guess I should state that it's satire, but for anyone that needs this qualifier, get a GD sense of humor!
OPEN ON WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFING ROOM, PODIUM SHOT.
V/O: LADIES & GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, GEORGE W. BUSH.
BUSH TAKES PODIUM.
BUSH: MY FELLOW AMERICANS: IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT DURING A TELEVISED BENEFIT FOR HURRICANE KATRINA VICTIMS, THE DEGREE TO WHICH I CARE ABOUT AFRICAN-AMERICANS WAS CALLED INTO QUESTION. LET ME ASSURE ALL MY FELLOW AMERICANS OF AFRICAN HERITAGE THAT MYSELF AND MY WHOLE ADMINISTRATION DO CARE. WE CARE SO MUCH, THAT WE'VE CALLED THIS PRESS CONFERENCE TO SEND A SHOUT OUT TO ALL OUR (N-WORD)S!
CAMERA PANS BACK TO REVEAL LEATHER COUCHES. SEATED ON THEM ARE SEVERAL VISIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE MEMBERS OF BUSH'S CABINET. ALL ARE DRESSED IN TRACK SUITS AND THE LIKE. BUSH SHEDS HIS SUIT COAT AND PUTS A HUGE FUBU SWEATSHIRT ON OVER HIS SHIRT AND TIE. HE'S HANDED A PIMP CUP, AND PULLS ONE WIRELESS MIC FROM THE ONES ON THE PODIUM AND MAKES HIS WAY TO THE THRONE IN BETWEEN THE COUCHES.
BUSH: AWWW YEEEH. NOW I'D LIKE TO ADDRESS ONE SPECIFIC (N-WORD), MISTER KAYNE WEST. KAYNE, I DO CARE ABOUT THIS NATION'S (N-WORD)S. MORE THAN YOU KNOW. I BET YOUR MAMA KNOW HOW MUCH I CARE!
OTHERS (COVERING THEIR MOUTHS): OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!
MISCELLANEOUS AID: I THINK IT'S KAN-YE…
BUSH: DASS RIGHT. I CARE ABOUT YOU AND ALL YO HOODS. FROM 115TH STREET IN HARLEM. 'SPECT TO MY MAN SHORTY B AT SHORTY'S CHICKEN! TO THE CENTER OF FUCK ALL WATTS IN L.A.! WHERE THA PLAYAS STILL PLAY.
OTHERS: (HALF-ASSED) AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
BUSH: (GRABBING A CHICKEN LEG AND TAKING A TINY BITE) MISTER KAYNE WEST, I'VE BEEN TOLD YOU'RE A COLLEGE DROPOUT. WELL, THA BIG G, THAT'S ME, THE BIG G. THE G STANDS FOR GEORGE. IS HERE TO HELP YOU THE FUCK OUT. ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS GO DOWN TO YOUR FLY MILITARY RECRUITING OFFICE AND SIGN UP FOR A G.I. BILL-ZILL! HERE TO TALK ABOUT THIS IS MY MAIN MAN DONN E RUMS.
RUMSFELD IS DRESSED LIKE THE BISHOP DON "MAGIC" JUAN. HIS GLASSES ARE THE SAME, BUT HAVE RHINESTONES ON THEM. VISIBLY PISSED AS EVER, HE GETS UP AND BUSH WHIFFS A HIGH-FIVE AT HIM, AND THEY ATTEMPT THE BUMP-HUG. RUMSFELD GETS TO THE PODIUM.
RUMSFELD: MISTER PRESIDENT, I THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SAYING 'NIGGAS' NOT '(N-WORD)S'. EITHER WAY, I DON'T THINK WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SAYING IT ALL.
SHOT OF BUSH ATTEMPTING TO USE A SIDEKICK AND STILL HOLDING THE CHICKEN LEG, STEALING LOOKS AT THE CAMERA.
RUMSFELD FROWNS AT THE CAMERA: I'D JUST LIKE TO REMIND ALL MY… I'M NOT GOING TO READ THIS. IT'S… FINE!. …I'D JUST LIKE TO REMIND ALL MY HOMIES THAT YOU GO THE FLOOR WITH THE DANCE MOVES YOU HAVE, NOT THE MOVES YOU WISH YOU HAD. WO.. UH… WORD. SIGN UP FO MILITARY SERVICE TODAY, AND THE CASH MONEY WILL ROLL IN!
HE ROLLS HIS EYES AND LEAVES.
BUSH COMES BACK TO THE PODIUM WITH A HUGE BOOM BOX PLAYING THE 2 LIVE CREW.
BUSH: YEAH! HOO-WEE! I LOVE THIS 2 LIVE CREW! IT'S THA FRESSHESSSS!
AND WITH THAT, I'D LIKE TO BRING UP MY NUMBA ONE BITCH (N-WORD) CONDI-CON!
CONDOLEEZA RICE GETS UP DRESSED LIKE LIL' KIM, BLOND WIG AND ALL.
RICE: I THINK THE PRESIDENT MEANS BEEYOTCH NIGGA…
BUSH: SHUT YOUR FACE, BITCH (N-WORD), LEST YOU WANT MY 'ZECUTIVE BRANCH SHOVED IN THERE. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH! LIKE THE (N-WORD)S WITH ALTITUDE SAID, "DON'T MATTA, JUST DON'T CHEW IT!"
BUSH LOOKS FOR HIGH FIVES FROM OTHERS ON THE COUCH AND IS LEFT HANGING.
RICE: (CLEARS THROAT) UM, I AM PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THE PRESIDENT'S "PIMP MY SHELTER" INITIATIVE FOR THOSE OF YOU LIVING IN COMMUNAL "CRIBS" SINCE HURRICANE KATRINA. FIMA AGENTS WILL BE INSTALLING PLASMA TVS ON THE LARGEST WALL OF ANY COMMUNAL SHELTER. UM, SO LOOK FOR THAT.
CUT TO SHOT OF BUSH WITH MOBILE PHONE. THE PHONE BEEPS.
BUSH: CHENEY! CHAIN-GANG! WHERE YOU ARE AT?
RICE LOOKS AT CAMERA, GAGS AND LEAVES.
BUSH: NOW WITH EXECUTIVE SEAL HANGING AROUND HIS NECK LIKE FLAVOR FLAV'S CLOCK, AND BRANDISHING A GOLD GUN IN ONE HAND.
BUSH: YESSSSSS! BOY! IMA POP THE GAP IN YOUR ASS! YO! CHILL FOR A MINUTE DOUGLAS FRESH SAID SILENCE!
BUSH THEN CROSSES HIS ARMS IN A FAT BOYS POSE AND FREEZES.
BUSH: I REALIZE THAT SOME (N-WORD)'S GONNA HAVE TO TAKE THE HEAT FOR WHAT HAPPENED IN THE GULF COAST. SO WITHOUT FUTHER ADO, PLEASE BRING OUT FORMER FEMA DIRECTOR MICHAEL BROWN!
BROWN IS BROUGHT OUT IN LEG IRONS, VISIBLY UPSET. BUSH GETS RIGHT UP IN HIS FACE WITH THE GOLD GUN.
BUSH: JUST LIKE MY MAN ICED TEASE SAID IN LOJACK CITY, "I WANNA SHOOT YOU SO BAD IT MAKES MY DICK HURT!"
BUSH LOOKS AT CAMERA AND GRINS. BROWN FLINCHES.
BUSH: BUT DEF IS TOO GOOD FO THIS HONKAY! INSTEAD, I INTEND TO "WILDING OUT" ON YOU LIKE M-MAN RICK CANNON!
BUSH SWEEPS THE COUCHES FOR WEAK HIGH-FIVES, PUMPING HIS OTHER FIST IN THE AIR. HE DONS A NEW ORLEANS SAINTS CAP, COCKED OFF TO THE SIDE AND POINTS TO IT.
BUSH: THIS FO ALL YALL!
BUSH GETS IN BROWN'S FACE AGAIN.
BUSH: BROWNIE, YO MAMA SO FAT THAT SHE LOOK LIKE A BLOATED CORPSE FLOATING IN THE STREETS OF N. TO THA O. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
HE IS MET WITH SILENCE.
BROWN: MISTER PRESIDENT?
BUSH: ARE YOU TALKING TO ME, 'CAUSE I SEE YOU MOVIN' YO MOUF / YOU BETTA STOP TALKIN, YOU BETTA CUT IT OUF! OOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
SILENCE AGAIN.
BUSH KICKS BROWN IN THE STOMACH AND HE GOES DOWN. HE GRABS A SILVER TRAY COVERED IN CRYSTAL PIECES.
BUSH: NOW I POUR OUT SOME CRYSTAL FOR MY DEAD HOMIEZ IN NEW ORLEANS!
BUSH DUMPS TRAY ON BROWN. THE REST OF THE CABINET LEAVES.
BUSH: GET YOUR BITCH ASS OUTTA HERE! I'M THE HEAD N!GGER IN CHARGE!
I HOPE I HAVE SHOWED YOU ALL THAT I DON'T GO FOR ANY CRUNK. I CAN ASSURE YOU N!GGERS AND ALL MY FELLOW AMERICANS THAT I DO CARE ABOUT ALL OF YOU. YOU ALL MY BOYS. WE'RE SPENDING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS ON FEDERAL AID SO THAT Y'ALL BE LIVIN' LARGE LIKE M.C. HAMMER REAL SOON! IT'S MY PERROGATIVE, AND AL B. SURE IT HAPPENS! BE SURE TO CHECK MAH NEXXX PRESS CONFERENCE IN WHICH I'LL OUTLINE MY PLANS TO PIMP IRAQ! BIG G OUT!
CUT TO TEST PATTERN.
posted by Zach at 12:11 PM
5 Comments:
You sure Bush doesn't care about Balck people?
CHID-DEST-TER!
How dare you correct me?
Oh, right, I was wrong. I fixed it. Now update your blog.
--Zach
P.S., I care about your Balcks.
Send this to Ike at MAD TV...also, I think ICE-T says "I want to shoot you so bad, by DICK is HARD." I think...I'll look, I have the disc. (I really dont)
I know that that's what Ice T says. Would Bush?
Also, there's no such band as Niggaz with Altitude...
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