Guide me to a break...

So, in the April Esquire's "the Guide" feature, there's a page on umbrellas. It reads, in part, as follows, "...a Grown man needs a grown man's umbrella, not the stunted five-dollar thing that winds up looking like a dead crow in a trash can. Think of it as an investment." They then go on to recommend a series of 8 umbrellas. The cheapest of which is $50. The next cheapest is $250, then they go all the way up to $775. $775! I felt compelled to write a letter (email).
Gentlemen,
I find your recommendation of purchasing a $250 umbrella, let alone a $775 umbrella a very foolish "investment" as I live in the Windy City, and my commute involves 80 minutes of outdoor walking every day. Forgive me for the preponderance of "dead crows in a trash can" left in my wake.
On that note, I'd like to issue a challenge to you. Send me one or all of those umbrellas to test in Chicago. We'll put them to the investment test and see if that money wouldn't be better spent some other way. Let's see if these umbrellas can hold up to a Chicago spring, or if they're better suited as I assume they are for one's driver to hold them up over one's head while he exits the Rolls and enters the building he owns.

Zachary M. Thompson
Chicago

On top of that, they're all the cane-type umbrella, and many of them look better suited to the Penguin than a businessman. I carry a compact totes umbrella that i can conceal in my briefcase. I don't care to have to remember to carry one when it might rain, and then run the risk of looking like a dandy fop with my cane umbrella, or worse, like a golfer with my giant golf umbrella sponsored by Cialis. I might change my tune if I had to wear suits every day, but if I did, I'd probably be rich enough not to have to walk 80 minutes a day.